About Abuse
Domestic Violence affects us all.
In some way it touches all of our lives. Women and children
are impacted on a daily basis by physical, sexual, emotional
and economic abuse.
Abuse is an attempt to control the behaviour
of another person. It is a misuse of power which uses
the bonds of intimacy, trust and dependency to make the
victim vulnerable. The abuser uses fear and intimidation
to control his partner. Often women become isolated from
friends and family because they are afraid and ashamed
to tell anyone that they are in an abusive relationship.
Often abuse starts slowly with verbal
put-downs and escalates over time to pushing, hitting
and sometimes to death. Over the past year many women
in Ontario have been burned, beaten and killed by their
partners. When a woman does find the courage to leave
she is actually in more danger. It is often during this
time that her partner will become increasingly more abusive
and dangerous as he senses that he is losing control of
his victim.
At shelters all over the country
there are greater numbers of women and children seeking
help than ever before. As we reach out into the community
we find many women who have lived lives of quiet desperation
for years because they were unaware that shelters and
other services were available to them.
Quick Links:
Types of Abuse
Cycle of Abuse
Myths and Reality
Signs of Abuse
In particular Interim
Place’s Transitional Support Program
has been responsible for helping women leave abusive relationships.
Since the program began in March 2001, over 650 women
in our community alone have been helped to leave or have
been supported in their plans to leave their partners
and live abuse free lives.
We have been serving the community
for over 20 years, and continue to feel hopeful that by
providing information and shelter to women and children
we are making a significant contribution by “Closing
the door on abuse and Opening the door on Hope.”
Types of Abuse
Physical
hitting, beating, slapping, punching,
pulling hair, using force and/or weapons, murder, mutilation,
burning, biting, or any other unwanted, hurtful physical
contact
Sexual
any forced sexual contact ranging from unwanted touching
to rape, pressure to perform disliked sexual acts, harassment
Verbal
threats, insults, name-calling, unjust blaming and accusing,
swearing, shouting
Psychological/Emotional
withholding love, sympathy or understanding, threatening
suicide, physical harm to self or others, or deportation,
inadequate physical or emotional care, isolation, intimidation,
extreme jealousy, destroying property, controlling behaviour
Financial
stealing, withholding money and/or denying access to employment
opportunities, preventing access to household financial
information
Spiritual
belittling a person’s spiritual beliefs or preventing
them from attending the church, synagogue or temple of
their choice
The United Nations (Commission on the Status of Women,
1993) defines violence against women as:
"…any
act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely
to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or
suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion
or arbitrary deprivation of liberty whether occurring
in public or private life."
One out of every four Canadian women will suffer some
type of abuse during her lifetime and every year, one
in 10 Canadian women is physically battered by her partner.
Domestic violence and abuse occurs in all socio-economic
groups and cultural/religious backgrounds and it affects
women of all ages.
Domestic assault is a crime.
The Cycle of Abuse
Domestic violence
(also called wife abuse, family violence and partner assault)
is rarely a one-time occurrence. It usually takes place
as part of a cycle that includes the following phases:
Tension-Building Stage
Insults and other verbal attacks; minor
abusive situations; victim tries to be compliant, "walks
on eggshells," and feels helpless; atmosphere becomes
increasingly more oppressive.
Violent Episode
Built-up tensions erupt into incidents
ranging from severe verbal/emotional abuse to physical/sexual
assault and can last from a few minutes to a few days,
depending on the relationship. It is during this time
that a woman is most likely to be seriously injured or
killed by her partner.
Honeymoon Stage
Following a violent episode the abuser
is usually contrite and attentive; the victim once again
recognizes the person she first fell in love with and
may be inclined to believe his promises to change.
Unless there is some form of intervention, the cycle usually
repeats itself with the violent episodes escalating in
frequency and intensity.
Domestic Violence – Myths and
Reality
Myth
Wife assault doesn’t happen that frequently and in
most cases, the incidents are blown out of proportion.
Reality
In a study conducted by the Ministry
of the Solicitor General, one in five Canadian men living
with a woman admitted to using violence against her. Accurate
statistics are difficult to attain since domestic abuse
remains a largely under-reported crime – the police
are called in just 25 percent of incidents.
Myth
Domestic abuse mainly affects the young and poor.
Reality
Abuse is a widespread problem and occurs in all racial,
ethnic, social, economic and age groups.
Myth
Women often do things to provoke their partners.
Reality
Domestic violence is rooted in the perpetrator’s
desire for power and control. Victims report a wide range
of "reasons" for the outbursts, many as minor
as "buttering the toast the wrong way." Abusive
partners may avoid taking responsibility for their actions
by blaming the victim: "She made me do it."
Myth
Alcohol and drugs are leading causes of domestic assault.
Reality
Alcohol or illegal drugs are often factors in domestic
violence incidents and their use can make it easier for
a person to be abusive. Perpetrators may blame their violent
behaviour on alcohol, thus avoiding responsibility for
their actions. The true cause of domestic assault, however,
is the desire to have control over another person.
Myth
Perpetrators of domestic assault are mentally ill.
Reality
Batterers are generally not violent outside the home or
with other people they interact with – such as their
friends, colleagues and bosses. Mentally ill people would
not be able to practice such selective violence.
Myth
Men are just as likely to be the victims of domestic assault
as women.
Reality
More than 92 percent of charges involving
domestic assault in Ontario are laid against men. In the
majority of cases involving women as perpetrators, charges
are due to acts of self-defence or are counter-charges
laid by abusive partners. Women suffer more frequent and
extreme incidents of violence than men and are more likely
to sustain serious or life-threatening injuries.
Abuse Signs
You may be becoming or already are a
victim of abuse if you:
Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to
keep him from getting angry and are frightened by his
temper.
Feel you can't live without him.
Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities
you enjoy because he doesn't like them.
Are afraid to tell him your worries and feelings about
the relationship.
Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his
feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him
when he is troubled.
Feel that you are the only one who can help him and that
you should try to "reform" him.
Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your
partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
Stop expressing opinions if he doesn't agree with them.
Stay because you feel he will kill himself if you leave.
Believe that his jealousy is a sign of love.
Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at
you by him when he was jealous or angry.
Believe the critical things he says to make you feel bad
about yourself.
Believe that there is something wrong with you if you
don't enjoy the sexual things he makes you do.
Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman
should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and
the woman pleases him.
(some people) Have been abused as a child or seen your
mother abused.
If you are abused, you are not alone
and you are not to blame. You cannot control your partner’s
violence. There are ways you can make yourself safer:
Call the police if you have been assaulted. Charging abusive
males is a necessary step in reducing physical violence.
Tell someone and keep a record of all incidents for evidence.
Write down the details for yourself as soon as possible
after the assault. Keep it in a safe place where he won't
find it.
Develop a safety plan. Memorize emergency numbers. Keep
spare house and car keys handy. Know where you can stay
in an emergency.
Consider ending the relationship as soon as possible.
Without intervention, his violence will increase in frequency
and severity as time passes.
Recognize that no one has the right to control you and
that it is everyone's human right to live without fear.
